“We’ve got to talk.” I don’t know about you, but I have never enjoyed one syllable of any conversation that started with these dread-ful (sic) words. Be that as it may, I have to say something and that something is, “So long.”

“So long” sang the Weavers, “It’s been good to know ya.” It’s been great, amazing, insightful, challenging, risky, frustrating, humbling (nay, mortifying on occasion), immensely gratifying, and everything else that makes life worth living. But our world has changed so much that this column is no longer part of it. Of late it’s been a matter of making bricks without straw. And so, salve atque vale!

I began this column on the wall of a cave, progressed to a clay tablet, then moved to the back of a shovel. Or so it seems. Sometime, back when ALL casting directors in town were named Jane, Rick Levine, the patriarch of PerformInk, had an idea for a new column. The paper was composed (and I use the term very loosely) in the back room of Act One Bookstore in its first Lincoln Avenue site. The room looked like a pocket version of the Frank Family Annex as decorated by the Collier Brothers and had a traffic pattern not unlike the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. I was features editor cum advertising director of the paper and Rick just knew I had too much time on my hands and that idle hands are the devil’s pork chop. Let’s add a column about agents and casting and movies, oh my, sez he. “Reel World” began.

So much, so very much has changed. That world is well nigh unrecognizable from today’s digital, virtual patched and posted industry. So many of the agencies and offices are shuttered. So much of the business is scattered. The zeitgeist has changed as much as the “zeit” itself.

But a few words about what hasn’t changed but should have before I shut my yap, at least in print. Did you think I’d quietly fold my soapbox and steal away without one last philippic?

As long as there are people with dreams, there will be succubae feeding on those dreams. Beware, and make it your duty to warn others, of those who would prey on the enthusiastic but under-informed. Anyone can call him or herself anything they like. As I have said before, I can style myself a brain surgeon but five will get you ten you don’t want me messing about with your frontal lobes. Anyone can claim to be an agent. Or a casting director. Or, Heaven forefend, a manager. Whether or not you have joined the union yet, call SAG or AFTRA and check these people out before signing with them.

Here are some of the early warning signs that you are about to be had. No one is an agent AND a casting director. No one may EVER charge you a signing fee. You NEVER pay to play. No agent may insist that you use only her photographer. No one can GUARANTEE you work. My personal favorite was the local ad promising instant work in “Runway and Sitcoms.” That would be one of the many sitcoms currently shooting here. No legitimate agent or casting director can browbeat you into taking his or her own classes. Nor should you have to endure rude or insulting behavior from a casting director. No union franchised agent may charge you more than 10 percent commission for work other than print. No agent should ever coerce you into taking work that makes you uncomfortable. Especially when using the “You’ll never work in this town again…” line. No casting director or agent, no matter how important he may be in his own mind or in reality, should pressure you into posing nude. The list, sadly, goes on.

On a union set you have recourse if rules are bent or broken and they should be reported IMMEDIATELY. Sadly, such redress is not insured when working non-union, but unsafe, unsanitary, exploitive behavior needs to be reported tout suite. The same applies to the prompt payment of monies owed.

Be smart. Don’t meet unknown people who call themselves agents/casting directors/directors in sketchy places. For instance, don’t have the turnip truck drop you off at their homes. You laugh? Ambition makes people do some truly stupid things. Don’t give personal information. Case in point: the soi-disant director for “videos” who held auditions at the local Borders and needed aspirants (all young and fit and female) to appear in gym clothes and fill out four page applications listing all sorts and conditions of inappropriate information such as work schedules and home address. If the casting call says, “Must be over 18 but look 14,” I think we all know what sort of project this is. Or if it reads, “No experience necessary.”

And what do you do if you encounter these abuses? Well, you can whine and malinger or you can actually do something useful like call the union(s) and report these trayf. Call the Illinois Department of Labor. Call PerformInk, for Heaven’s sake. Don’t wait for someone else to bell the cat. If it happened to you, I’ll just bet it happened to someone else.

Actors need to remember that they have responsibilities as well as rights. Check in, book out, keep current, do your research, keep training, keep in touch, be on time, know your conflicts, be prepared for auditions, be professional, know your status, stay outta the sun, check with the agent before you do something drastic to your hair or otherwise decorate your person. Be polite and positive. More often than not, whatever stupid, inconvenient thing happened about an audition, it’s not the fault of the person giving you the news. Know where to put your frustration and disappointment.

 “And this above all, to thine ownself (and everyone else) be true.” Lie? You are going to be caught. Scab? Ditto. Work for another agency when you are allegedly exclusive? You will be found out and BOTH agents will drop you. This is a very small town.

In this small town there have been many, many huge hearted souls. Along with a fair few bottom feeders. My most profound thanks to all those who over the years took time from their ridiculously busy days of casting and agenting and trying to lure film work to our fair city to send me updates. My thanks, too, to those who had the courage to speak up when we all were made to look bad by the shabby behavior of a few. My profound thanks to Rick for starting the paper and to Carrie Kaufman who has done such a spectacular job of keeping it current, important, strong, tough and honest. Thanks, too, to those who have let me know that they got some knowledge or, at least, a giggle from these columns. To those I made angry, I absolutely meant to.

We have lived in interesting times. We’ve seen the business thrive and flat line. We have been through the crucibles of strikes which proclaim so much of who we are collectively and individually. There will be more trials, tests, interesting times ahead. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be popping up again. In the meantime, be smart, be kind, be honest. Folks don’t have to read it in the paper if you’re not.

Peace. 

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